Notes

Currently I’m reading a book named “The 80/20 Principle” by Richard Kock.

Few important points from the book:

• 80/20 relationship refers to the connection between 2 sets of data, not 1 set. For example, 20% of products generate 80% of revenue (2 sets of data are products and revenue).
• 80/20 principle has 2 aspects: 80/20 analysis and 80/20 thinking.
• This magic number applies in all sorts of situations from strategy planning, operations efficiency to negotiation.

I find it’s interesting to view this idea from the angle of love relationship (just love, pure love not marriage)

Define 2 sets of data

• Data set 1: Result. Let’s make an assumption: A relationship’s result is “I’m in love” feeling. What it means is if one says “I’m in love”, it means the relationship is healthy.
• Data set 2: Cause. To achieve “Im in love” stage, you have to put in: (1) Time, (2) Money and (3) Effort. However, in this article, I would work on time first as to me, time is considered the highest cost.

Applying 80/20 principle

• 20% of time you put in a relationship would accomplish 80% of the goal. In another word, 20% of the time you spend with your partner can already make you feel 80% “I’m in love”. Sounds weird, I know.
• On a week day, a normal person would spend a day like this: 8 hours of sleep + 8 hours of work + 2 hours of hygienic activities (makeup, bathing, brushing your teeth and eating) = 18 hours. You then have 6 hours to spare on other activities. Other activities could be watching Youtube, hanging out with friends, your lover, your family or even me time.
• On weekend, you will have to up to 14 hours to spare for the personal activities assuming that you don’t have to work.
• In 1 week, you have max 58 hours to spare.
• To have a healthy relationship, you surely don’t need to spend 58 hours with your partner and you can’t (thinking about how much time you spend on surfing net).
• However, for the sake of argument, after calculating the amount of time spend, you settle at 15 hours/week for your partner. Further analysis below can help determine whether spending 15 hours is feasible or not.
• According to 80/20 rule: in a week, 20% of 15 hours = 3 hours are defining your relationship health. So the next question is: How to identify those precious 3 hours? And if we can optimise + extrapolate the 3 hours, will you easily hit 100%?

Find out those 3 hour gems

1. First, you and your partner should write down a list of weekly activities that you 2 engage in building this relationship.
2. Once the list of activities are set, each of you to answer 3 questions: (1) Does this activity make you make you feel “I’m in love”? , (2) How much time does this activity require from each side? (3) How much effort does this activity require from each side?
3. An rough example of a list could be like this. From then on, you will realise maybe you’re spending lesser time than what you think.

1. From then on, drill down to those activities that make you both happy. Is there a way to have more of these activities and get rid of those that don’t bring joy to you both? For those busy people out there, you can find ways to optimise those that take a lot of time and effort.
2. The final list should be those activities that both of you like. This will result in shorter time spent with each other yet still yield a healthy relationship.

Really? Is it that simple?

• I was shocked at myself when I thought about this implication. Why can’t we do this? Is there something wrong here? There are 5 notable wrong assumptions if we decide to apply this 80/20 rule in any relationship.
• Assumption 1: People change, things change (because of 1001 reasons). I’m a huge believer in thinking people and things change everyday. For example, last time, it takes you time and money to communicate because internet didn’t exist. Making a list like this assumes 2 things: (1) List of activities are set and (2) Feeling towards the activity is per promised. But if any couple is disciplined to revise the the list once in a while, it might work.
• Assumption 2: It goes against the nature of a relationship, especially love (pure love). I believe a relationship gives you all sorts of feeling, i.e. happy, sad, surprise and love. It happens because you’re on a journey to explore your partner. By making this relationship black and white, we are turning it into a “transactional” relationship where things are expected per contract.
• Assumption 3: This is a weak assumption but it links to assumption 2. It goes against human nature that we are all liars. For example, you said you hate “eating cake made by your partner” because of ABC reasons. Can you imagine how hurt she will be? The idea of the list is that 2 parties are transparent to each other. I guess it’s hard and we can never achieve 100%.
• Assumption 4: I have simplified the factors into 2 (time and effort). However, in real life, time and effort are not the only factors. Things like society expectation, peer pressure that need to take into account. For example, meeting to your girlfriend’s parents for dinner.

So should we try?

• Well, I won’t go to such extreme that I set because I don’t see any point. I don’t want one day my partner would turn to me and said “I do what you want but you still want more”.
• However, I would turn this around and focus on those activities that make us both uncomfortable and see if we reduce the number of such activities.