Question about insecurity

A great article from Julie Zhou again. This week, she shared about “Don’t let the trolls win”. She talked about the stereotype that we had to experience from situations in the past. Such stereotype shapes one’s thinking, thus one’s life if we don’t have control over it. This is the question of this week:

In your worst nightmare, when you imagine all the people you wish to impress standing together making fun of you, what are they saying?

I love that she posed questions that inflict the dark / inferior side on us. Because only when we face insecurities, we are in the control of them.

Stereotype about me

Different people know different aspects from me: my parents, my colleagues, my friends and even who don’t like me. I guess, they probably have different questions about me if they decide to make fun of me. They could be:

1.I’m a boring person with no hobbies. I have no interesting/wow stories to share. I don’t like games, I don’t enjoy buying things, I want to sleep at 11pm instead of partying. I like to spend time alone.

I enjoy my alone time in library on a Sunday afternoon. I’m glad that I’m able to spend so much me-time

2.I don’t conform to tradition/other people’s expectation when it comes to family aspect.

3.I hide my opinions and don’t voice them out when I think they will not change anything.

4.I’m not smart.

If someone brings the above points and tell me to my face or even behind my back, it wouldn’t make me sad. Maybe it deserves a frown, a pinch in my stomach then it will drift away. When I was younger, such stereotype might bother me a lot more. I was scared that I couldn’t click with my friends, laugh when they laughed. But over time, I have more opportunities to learn and know myself better, I know these points do reflect myself and there is nothing wrong with that. They are who I am and I always try to improve myself day by day. There’s no point making fun of me as they couldn’t change me and I wouldn’t change myself for them. So making fun or defending these points is a wasting energy game for both sides. However, if they are constructive feedback with valid reasons, I would consider.

Maybe the nightmare here for me is when these points consciously or unconsciously become reasons that I’m excluded from gatherings or from my network. At that point, it’s the question if I’m a misfit in this network / society. But again, as much as I want to blend in a group, I need to be comfortable with myself. And also, my networks just represent a piece of society. If they are not the right groups, I have to find another group though it takes more effort to do so. But it’s better than being fake with myself to just blend in. I guess I love being myself more than being just somebody that people imagine I should be.

Michelle Obama once said “I’m a former First Lady and a descendant of slaves.” in her documentary “Becoming”. I love this statement very much. I love how she is confident with her vulnerability. I learn that as long as I improve myself everyday in my own way and I contribute to the society meaningfully, I will find or create my spot in this world.